Please note that these are just my own opinions & feelings on handling a spouse who is grieving. No names will be used for the privacy of my family, & LOTS of information will be left out but this is more geared toward dealing with, and helping him move forward in the best most positive way possible.
On Thursday November 20th, 2014 our lives were ripped right from underneath us. I mean literally, we fell flat on our asses. My dear father in law had passed away. We had no warning signs, nothing medically noted that he wasn't going to be with us for the next 20 years NOTHING! We had just found out that we were expecting our 2nd baby & had JUST moved into our new home. I remember the phone call from my husband, when I answered his trembling voice immediately put a pit into my stomach, I knew something was wrong but had no idea the real roller coaster ride we were about to endure. We were both at work, Krew was at his nannies. What do we do? He lived all the way in Idaho, we were a good 2.5 hours away. I knew we needed to get there, for his family. For Ryan to feel as safe, calm, peaceful, and at home as possible.
I left work in a scramble, went home packed our things planning for the whole weekend away, I called my mom told her our circumstances and decided it would be best if we left Krew with her while we went to arrange what needed done.
We hopped in the car, just the 2 of us so vulnerable, feeling so young, so lost. I remember Ryan being so emotionless, I know he was shocked of course, wishing that he didn't have to let go, wishing it wasn't HIM. He was his dad's only son, they had an incredible bond. We sped to Idaho, many phone calls were made about autopsies, funeral homes, and final arrangements. The whole way there I prayed, I prayed for the strength to help my husband through this, for the strength that NO MATTER what I would stick right by his side, I would be the shoulder he cried on. I promised to myself, God, and Ryan that for better or worse I was here. I was his girl. I had NO idea the extent it would all come to.
There were no final arrangements set in place by my father in law. No will, no executor. We were left speechless, at just 25 & 26 dealing with the death of a parent. Why us? We are so young, why are we doing this for one of our parents? I couldn't understand it, and my faith was tested. Since then it has been tested to the greatest of extents possible.
I am starting this series of posts to help out the spouse of a grieving spouse. It has by far been the hardest thing I have experienced. We all know death is inevitable but being so young, it's a whole nother ball game. Everyday I look at my husband in complete awe, he has handled it better than I know I would, better than I know some people have. I am proud of him but I am also proud of myself. For pushing & pulling my family through this, through the darkest hours, the scariest decisions, and most importantly the patience I have learned in dealing with the grieving process.
It’s been hard to know what to say, when to say it or what to do when your spouse is grieving. I was and still am afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making him feel even worse. Mostly, I feel there’s little I can do to make things better. While I can’t take away the pain of the loss, I try to provide much-needed comfort and support. I let him know I care, I ask him his feelings from time to time and most importantly, I talk about my father in law. The good times, never the bad times.
I have a few more posts to this but I don't want to get ahead of myself. I want this to be authentic, raw, and as emotional as possible. My husband is my rock, having to turn into his rock has taught my so much about myself, and for that I am thankful.
xoxo
