this may or may not be the third time i have deleted the first line to this post.

i don't know where to begin or even how to begin.

i have been wanting to write this post for MONTHS now. literally.

i am shameful, i feel like the worst mom ever. i have grown stronger from it. and i now know the epitome of guilt, stress, and pure mercy.

it was a typical cold freezing friday night in january. i had straightened up the house when i got home from work, we had cooked dinner, and i had lit some candles in hopes to get the boys smell that will forever grace my house OUT.

my long time friend was over going through krews old baby clothes. she was due in april and we were chatting and laughing, ryan was watching tv and would tune in when something was extra funny. krew was running around like always. here, there, and everywhere. 

i heard him whine a little bit and my friend had looked up at him and i heard her gasp. i turned my back which was slightly turned away from the side table krew was near. krew was holding his hand over the candle i had just lit, the candle i had so stupidly placed on the side table in his reach. the candle that almost took his middle finger. as a mother i don't ever wish the feelings i had in that moment on anybody. i had failed. i was here to protect him from any harm. i was his mom and that was my #1 job; to save him and in that moment all of my pride crushed to the floor. i swung my arm around and grabbed him as fast as i could. that's then when he reacted and started to SCREAM. that blood curdling scream you hear when a child gets really hurt. there goes my heart again. crushed into pieces.

i looked at my husband and he looked back at me. neither one of us had any idea what to do other then the typical luke warm water on his hand. we tried our hardest to calm him down. i remember his poor baby hand, it was black and blue and blistered. we so randomly had burn ointment in our medicinal cabinet. (it's almost like God had put it there for me) that calmed him down enough for us to know he needed better medical attention and FAST. we rushed him to instacare. being new parents you never really think straight in these sort of situations. i think it was just our gut instinct to get him somewhere. he was crying, i was crying and it all became a blur. i wasn't worried about telling my mom, or sister, or anybody i just needed to know that my baby was going to be OK.

i also want to note that instacare got us in within seconds of arriving. which seemed like hours. my sister showed up (i have no idea who talked to her or who told her what was happening) i think it was God, but she said it was me. it's like the Lord knew what needed to happen to keep me going and keep me strong and he had me with my 2 most important supporters my husband and my older sister. i knew i needed to remain calm for krew's sake. they got him a popsicle and were able to clean and dress his burn the best they knew how for his tiny hand.

we were told that we would have to be seen at the burn unit at the university of utah first thing saturday morning. we were asked to go home and rest and keep krew as comfortable as possible.

i didn't sleep that night. i was still so ashamed. i know accidents happen but i am usually that mom who doesn't take her eyes off of her baby. i am honestly tearing up and all of those feelings are coming back to me.

i will continue this again tomorrow and through the week i have had a lot of questions about everything that happened so i will try my best to get everyone up to speed. for now krew is doing SO great! he does have a compression glove that he wears 23/7 until the end of year. 

i need to thank my family and friends for supporting me and bringing krew gifts and candy and food and for always reminding me how good of a mom i really am. because i really do try.