Grief Support 101: Part 2

I am on a plane to Las Vegas for a work trip. I've been away from my kids for only 2 hours now and I miss them. I'm not even across the Oquirah mountains & I miss home. Being up this high, seeing everything down at home, the sun on the lake, the familiar streets make it so I can sort of figure out the whereabouts of my kids at my parents.

Seeing the clouds & imagining what the view must be like from heaven is breath taking. It's almost over coming. Suffocating in a way knowing my loved ones up there see this everyday and also get to still enjoy the view of ourselves & children. We don't get that view. We only get glimpses of memories & quick feelings of a sense of closeness to them.

My husband is the strongest human I know. I've said this way before the death of his father, & even the death of his Grandfather that came prior to his dad. I've seen him at his highest highs & lowest lows. I've prayed more than I ever have the last year and a half & I have been tested in ways that have brought out a new Sarah, a new mom, a new wife, & hopefully a new friend. Hopefully a BETTER Sarah.

See, being the spouse of a person grieving is exhausting. It's going to bed feeling so lost, helpless, & sad. Feeling lost in the moment because there is absolutely nothing I can do to help heal my husbands heart. I can be there, I have and always will be here. For him to vent to, cry on, share the happy times with & of course laugh over our hardships once they've passed us by.

I want to be that person for him. So I have fought wars in my own mind. Being patient doesn't just come with being parents, it's vital in a marriage. I've had to be patient and wait for Ryan to be "ready" to sort out his feelings & willing to express them to me.

From day to day I don't know how he's doing, I'm often conflicted on whether I should ask him, in case it sparks more sorrow. He tries to be strong for me, his children, & his sisters. But sometimes seeing him at his most vulnerable is what makes me love him more & more.

August 30th of 2008 I vowed to love him till death to us part & have learned through our almost 8 year wedded journey that it means more than just our own deaths, it's the deaths of people so close to or heart that once they are gone, a piece of that heart is taken.

Ryan is forever changed without his dad, I know this. I have expressed how I feel to him. He's always so compassionate about my feelings & my needs when it comes to the adaptability of things with this new life we live.

They say that for every death a new person is born. For us that is our princess Khloe born just 7 months after the passing. She's our angel, everyone sees so much of Ryan in her. I know my father in law helped piece her together. To make her fit into our family, to be a Barras & of course be a daddy's girl. He knew Ryan needed a little girl to soften his already huge heart.  

To my love Ryan, you know I'm your biggest fan, your soul holds every part of my being & I love you till death do us part. Your dad is so proud of the man you are today & the family you have created. Never forget that.