A Happiest Birthday with Plum Cakery

I think I understand now why older adults do not like birthdays. They wish they would pass by without any acknowledgment. I also know that each & every day we should be living this life to it's fullest. ESPECIALLY on our day of birth. How lucky are we to celebrate not just ANOTHER day but we just passed another year! I turned 27 two weeks ago, I had been dreading it for awhile. It seems so "late 20's" to me. I woke up the day of my birthday and decided to EMBRACE it! I have no many amazing friends, the BEST family I could ever ask for, a wonderful hardworking husband and 2 beautiful, striving, and healthy children! I worked and then R cooked me dinner for my family and I. I was also so honored to have Alex from Plum Cakery make my delicious birthday cake, I mean the pictures do not even do it justice.

I chose the English Rose Cake, it was vanilla chiffon cake filled with raspberry jam and rosewater buttercream, then frosted in rosewater buttercream. It MELTED in your mouth! Plus the details of the flowers and fresh fruit just topped it off. If you are in Utah and need a cake for any occasion contact Plum Cakery. You will not regret it!

xoxo

Grief Support 101: Part 2

I am on a plane to Las Vegas for a work trip. I've been away from my kids for only 2 hours now and I miss them. I'm not even across the Oquirah mountains & I miss home. Being up this high, seeing everything down at home, the sun on the lake, the familiar streets make it so I can sort of figure out the whereabouts of my kids at my parents.


Seeing the clouds & imagining what the view must be like from heaven is breath taking. It's almost over coming. Suffocating in a way knowing my loved ones up there see this everyday and also get to still enjoy the view of ourselves & children. We don't get that view. We only get glimpses of memories & quick feelings of a sense of closeness to them.

My husband is the strongest human I know. I've said this way before the death of his father, & even the death of his Grandfather that came prior to his dad. I've seen him at his highest highs & lowest lows. I've prayed more than I ever have the last year and a half & I have been tested in ways that have brought out a new Sarah, a new mom, a new wife, & hopefully a new friend. Hopefully a BETTER Sarah.

See, being the spouse of a person grieving is exhausting. It's going to bed feeling so lost, helpless, & sad. Feeling lost in the moment because there is absolutely nothing I can do to help heal my husbands heart. I can be there, I have and always will be here. For him to vent to, cry on, share the happy times with & of course laugh over our hardships once they've passed us by.

I want to be that person for him. So I have fought wars in my own mind. Being patient doesn't just come with being parents, it's vital in a marriage. I've had to be patient and wait for Ryan to be "ready" to sort out his feelings & willing to express them to me.

From day to day I don't know how he's doing, I'm often conflicted on whether I should ask him, in case it sparks more sorrow. He tries to be strong for me, his children, & his sisters. But sometimes seeing him at his most vulnerable is what makes me love him more & more.

August 30th of 2008 I vowed to love him till death to us part & have learned through our almost 8 year wedded journey that it means more than just our own deaths, it's the deaths of people so close to or heart that once they are gone, a piece of that heart is taken.

Ryan is forever changed without his dad, I know this. I have expressed how I feel to him. He's always so compassionate about my feelings & my needs when it comes to the adaptability of things with this new life we live.

They say that for every death a new person is born. For us that is our princess Khloe born just 7 months after the passing. She's our angel, everyone sees so much of Ryan in her. I know my father in law helped piece her together. To make her fit into our family, to be a Barras & of course be a daddy's girl. He knew Ryan needed a little girl to soften his already huge heart.  

To my love Ryan, you know I'm your biggest fan, your soul holds every part of my being & I love you till death do us part. Your dad is so proud of the man you are today & the family you have created. Never forget that.


xoxo

Grief Support 101: Post 1

I've been wanting to type these posts for months, I've never really wrapped my head around HOW I would start this off. I mean, I still don't have my head wrapped around the situation in whole. I of course, wanted my husband's approval before I put out such personal information in regards to his thoughts, emotions, and opinions on the subject. 

Please note that these are just my own opinions & feelings on handling a spouse who is grieving. No names will be used for the privacy of my family, & LOTS of information will be left out but this is more geared toward dealing with, and helping him move forward in the best most positive way possible. 

On Thursday November 20th, 2014 our lives were ripped right from underneath us. I mean literally, we fell flat on our asses. My dear father in law had passed away. We had no warning signs, nothing medically noted that he wasn't going to be with us for the next 20 years NOTHING! We had just found out that we were expecting our 2nd baby & had JUST moved into our new home. I remember the phone call from my husband, when I answered his trembling voice immediately put a pit into my stomach, I knew something was wrong but had no idea the real roller coaster ride we were about to endure. We were both at work, Krew was at his nannies. What do we do? He lived all the way in Idaho, we were a good 2.5 hours away. I knew we needed to get there, for his family. For Ryan to feel as safe, calm, peaceful, and at home as possible. 

I left work in a scramble, went home packed our things planning for the whole weekend away, I called my mom told her our circumstances and decided it would be best if we left Krew with her while we went to arrange what needed done.

We hopped in the car, just the 2 of us so vulnerable, feeling so young, so lost. I remember Ryan being so emotionless, I know he was shocked of course, wishing that he didn't have to let go, wishing it wasn't HIM. He was his dad's only son, they had an incredible bond. We sped to Idaho, many phone calls were made about autopsies, funeral homes, and final arrangements. The whole way there I prayed, I prayed for the strength to help my husband through this, for the strength that NO MATTER what I would stick right by his side, I would be the shoulder he cried on. I promised to myself, God, and Ryan that for better or worse I was here. I was his girl. I had NO idea the extent it would all come to.

There were no final arrangements set in place by my father in law. No will, no executor. We were left speechless, at just 25 & 26 dealing with the death of a parent. Why us? We are so young, why are we doing this for one of our parents? I couldn't understand it, and my faith was tested. Since then it has been tested to the greatest of extents possible.

I am starting this series of posts to help out the spouse of a grieving spouse. It has by far been the hardest thing I have experienced. We all know death is inevitable but being so young, it's a whole nother ball game. Everyday I look at my husband in complete awe, he has handled it better than I know I would, better than I know some people have. I am proud of him but I am also proud of myself. For pushing & pulling my family through this, through the darkest hours, the scariest decisions, and most importantly the patience I have learned in dealing with the grieving process.

It’s been hard to know what to say, when to say it or what to do when your spouse is grieving. I was and still am afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making him feel even worse. Mostly, I feel there’s little I can do to make things better. While I can’t take away the pain of the loss, I try to provide much-needed comfort and support. I let him know I care, I ask him his feelings from time to time and most importantly, I talk about my father in law. The good times, never the bad times.

I have a few more posts to this but I don't want to get ahead of myself. I want this to be authentic, raw, and as emotional as possible. My husband is my rock, having to turn into his rock has taught my so much about myself, and for that I am thankful. 

xoxo

it's me.

oh hey, it's me. really.. me. I am 2 kids, a part time job, & marathon training DEEP, swinging right into 2016. I haven't blogged since the blur of new motherhood, when I so vaguely remember typing out Khloe's birth story.

(i'm still hooked on coffee, i mean more than i was before!)

So many things have changed, some great, some not so great, and some incredibly stressful. See, I am a stressor. It's hard-wired. The only trait I believe I inherited from my father.

my marriage is stronger than ever, yet so fragile. we are sleep deprived, we don't get a lot of alone time, & the whole hanky panky thing is limited. we co-sleep for god sake.

anyways, krew is now raging into those threenager years, like I mean I ask myself daily if he is 30 or just 3.

Khloe has fit ever so wonderfully into this family. She just completes us, her crazy bed head, her smile with her tongue out, oh & her temper. something I like to think she got from her father. She has so many nick-names, koko, pretty bird, sissy, missy mou, sissy sue, queenie. Koko is a typical girl, the typical baby of the family EVERYONE loves her & EVERYONE wants to hold her.

 A lot has changed with me, my perspective on life, my selflessness, my PPD after baby #2 came (post to come). My personality, my goals, my anxiety, I mean basically everything that comes with being a new mom. AGAIN.

Birth Story- LoLo

I am going to back track this to Wednesday May 13th. I left work early because people in my office were sick & this mama was not about to risk catching a cold so close to my due date. I spent the day laying in bed by myself. That night I had some pretty serious cramping, it had me thinking oh man this is IT! Come Thursday morning they had tapered off and I was doing my usual chores around the house, I was so bummed. Granted I was only 37 weeks but my doctor kept assuring me that I was going to have the baby ANY DAY! Once Krew was asleep Ryan and I were sitting on the couch and I jokingly told him that Friday was the day! It would give him almost 2 weeks off of work if I had her on a weekend. Thursday night came and I woke around midnight with a contraction. I had another one around 5:00 am and another close to 5:45. They were pretty strong, instead of laying in bed I decided to get up and walk around the house. I was not about to let those contractions let up like they did on Wednesday! I walked and walked.. Once it was time for Ryan to go to work I sent him on his way, he hesitated but went anyway. I didn't ACTUALLY think I was going to have baby that day. I can't tell you how many times I walked up and down my stairs and through my hallway into the kids' bedrooms. I was actually tired from walking but I didn't want to lay down because I was nervous it would make the contractions go away. I text a few friends updates and each one strongly encouraged me to go in. Around 9:30 I was having extremely painful contractions every 5-8 minutes. I refused to go in, I didn't want to be sent home. Ryan kept checking in on me, I finally told him to come home and he replied saying if he were to come home we were going to the hospital. So I told him to stay at work! The contractions were still bearable enough I could breathe through them. Close to 15 minutes later I was furiously texting Ryan to hurry home. The contractions were so unbearable I knew I was going to have a baby in the next 24 hours, I laid down and worked through them with my breathing and as soon as Ryan got home I was going to jump in the bath. Looking back I am so glad I labored at home. I was alone, calm, and was able to do things at my own pace. I even had time to snap my 37 week bump picture. I didn't think at the time I was actually in labor!

Ry got home and walked in the bedroom and saw me shriveled in pain on the bed and immediately started loading the car and changed his work clothes. I was fine with waiting and laboring at home but he knew I needed to get in and be seen. We walked slowly to the car and once in the car I had the most painful contraction of all time, in that moment I was so thankful we lived 2 minutes from the hospital. The thought never crossed my mind that I could potentially not have time for an epidural. Once we got to the hospital and checked in we were told I was at a 6 and if I wanted the epidural I needed it within minutes. The anesthesiologist had no time to go through the proper paperwork with me, I mean I was just raging in pain. He did explain that he would need to administer the medication they give to c-section patients to ensure it hit fast enough and strong enough. Five minutes later I was still feeling extreme pain in my left hip so he had to up the dosage again and after a few minutes I was pain-free. I always turn into a wisecrack when medicated. Ryan should have recorded me. I was actually calm, but so excited to meet my daughter! We had always planned on my older sister being in the room with us so as soon as we found out baby would be coming we immediately called her. Ryan told her she didn't have much time. She boogied there man!

I remember her walking in and I thought to myself "Ok, let's do this"! I don't remember how long I was at the hospital until I started pushing, but I do remember the encouragement I felt from my sister and Ryan. One hour later at 11:37 AM on 05/15/2015 our little angel baby was born and placed on my chest. I was never able to have skin to skin with Krew because he was not breathing properly when he came out. I remember kissing her sweet head and just staring at her, I couldn't believe I actually had a daughter! I was filled with so much love, happiness, & excitement. I also couldn't stop thinking about Krew, I couldn't wait for him to meet her. It had been a long 9 months and we, especially him talked about her non-stop. I was in such a dream land for that first hour of skin to skin. We had a photographer coming to snap pictures of Krew meeting his baby sissy for the first time and I couldn't contain my excitement. I felt REALLY good. Way better than I remember feeling after I had Krew. We decided we didn't want to share any pictures of her until Krew met her, so here she is. My beautiful, spunky, sassy, baby girl.

3 6 weeks!!

How far along? 36 weeks!

At my doctors appt last Tuesday I was 2.5 cm and 90% effaced. I was told I could have her Friday or I could waddle around until I hit 40 weeks. With the way I make babies "really small" she will not induce until after 40! 

Weight gain: A whopping 30 pds. I know I have gained more but will know tomorrow  when I go for my weekly. With Krew I never made it to my 37 week check up!

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Stretch marks? None but I am so damn itchy it drives me crazy! I try my best to stay moisturized! 

Sleep: Lately per my doctor I've been taking 1/2 a Unisom and I don't wake up drowsy. I don't sleep all night though I get up 2-3 times to pee.

Best moment this week: Celebrating Mother's Day with my boys and my mom of course.

Miss Anything? Exercise. Beer.

Movement: Her feet are up in my left side. She is pretty strong and they sometimes hurt!

Food cravings: Still don't feel like eating a lot anymore.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Hot baths still, if I wake up to fast I get sick or if I over excrete myself.

Gender: GIRL!

Labor Signs: I have 1-2 good contractions every hour or so.

Symptoms: BH's all day erryday

Belly Button in or out? It's out.

Wedding rings on or off? It depends on the day!

Mood:Anxious.

Looking forward to: Seeing my sweet babe! 

35 weeks!

How far along? 35 weeks with 35 days left to go!

Weight gain: At my doctors appt 1.5 weeks ago I was up 27 pds. I can't even fathom what the scale will do to me when I go back in next week! I am REALLY hoping that baby girl has a couple extra ounces more than her big brother did! I am really starting to mind the fat face, love handles, and arms though. I mean really.

Maternity clothes? Always. I have 3-4 things that I feel comfortable in. Everything else can go burn in hell.

Stretch marks? None! Still! I so have to resist the urge to itch though. I lotion up at work and I just wonder what the person in the stall next to me is thinking.. What are all those sounds? ha ha

Sleep: I take a half of Unisom on the weekends to at least get some sleep. I know I don't get into a deep sleep though. I have been waking with the sorest hips and some pretty bad headaches! I know my time to relax and sleep is super limited though!

Best moment this week: Our sprinkler system and sod should be in and ready by Sunday! Which means I get Ryan back! So excited!

Miss Anything? Exercise, rough housing with the boys, my lungs at regular capacity.

Movement: I don't feel her as much as I use to and I know it's because she is getting bigger! When I do feel her it's pretty painful!

Food cravings: I don't feel like eating much anymore.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Too hot of baths, soda, hamburger.

Gender: GIRL!

Labor Signs: Still have BH's all day everyday! I go into the doctor on Tuesday. Last time I was there I was at a 2 and 80%.

Symptoms: BH's all day erryday

Belly Button in or out? It's out. Like literally out.

Wedding rings on or off? On

Mood: Nervous. Anxious. Excited.

Looking forward to: Mine and hubbys last official date night tomorrow!

xoxo